As a married man of my age with the question of whether to have or not to have children behind me, with only teenage sons who will have to deal with a very different form of the question of whether or not to have or not have children than if they were my teenage daughters, my opinion on reproductive rights has somewhat limited relevance. I do weigh in from time to time on political topics though. And so not saying something about yesterday’s leaked SCOTUS decision on Roe v Wade seems more purposeful than simply not believing my opinion relevant. So, in the interest of not repeating what will be said better and more appropriately by others, I’ll say something that not that many people can say about it instead.
Someone (I don’t remember who any more) once asked my wife that if she knew then what she knows now about our special needs son, would she have gone through with it. It being bringing our wonderful boy Aidan into the world. Her answer was, of course, yes. And mine was too. Because neither of us can imagine a world without him. He is a light that brings out the best in people. They see him and feel compelled to help; to be charitable. To be better versions of themselves in service. Around him a movable village grows. I know this because this is the impact he’s had on me. To be something I don’t think I could have been if not for the burden that he is. This has been my experience in parenting.
I’ve spent more time thinking about that question than probably any other anyone’s ever asked though. Because being brutally honest about it exposes some realities of the metamorphosis that is parenting. I stand by my answer. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have changed our decision to bring Aidan into the world. But I’d have to know everything I know now. I’d have to know my son’s laugh. And his eyes when he’s scared and can’t tell me. Or how caring for him day in and day out destroyed the selfish and materialistic child of a man that I was. I’d have to know that I’d be professionally successful and have the means to care for him and keep him safe. And that the woman I was married to was a tower or strength that I’d walk through hell with and feel closer to on the other side. I’d have to know all these things. Because knowing them is who we are now. We are circumstantial outcomes.
In the years we’ve spent counseling special needs parents, we’ve seen some heartbreaking things. This life is not livable for everyone. And the world doesn’t work in the sorts of hypotheticals that allow us to know the unknowable at a time of our choosing. To be a parent is a transformational thing. And though more extreme in our case, the transformation is no less complete with others. So I’ve walked away with a simple opinion about reproductive rights: That I don’t think we should force anyone to be a parent who doesn’t want to be a parent. Moreover, asking a woman to carry a pregnancy to full term and then give the child away shows something more than indifference to women’s equality. It shows a certain punitive cruelty that I can’t accept.
I’m aware of the arguments against this perspective. And I’m certain I’ll change no minds with what I’ve said. But there are times to go on the record. And this is one of them.
On the Choice of Parenting
You are one of the rare men that I know capable of really seeing how life is different for women than it is for men. I’ve seen you “see” and write about how a woman’s success comes at a far greater cost than for men. And I’ve seen and felt the reverence you have for your female colleagues, your wife … You get the struggle far more than most. And you react to it with respect. And while I could go off on the topic of abortion, and a woman’s right to choose, the basis of Roe was the declaration that women had the same right to their agency, their freedom, as men. To me, this is not a fight about abortion. It’s a fight about human rights, equal rights. In a world where it’s tough enough to be female, striking down Roe Is the ultimate fuck you, the ultimate act of control that springs from an entrenched, and yes I’ll say it, white male system. This whole week I have vacillated between rage and despair. My daughter says it’s the “sacred rage” women feel about injustice. I pray that enough of us will move that rage into action. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned“ … we just have to keep believing we have the power to drive change.
Well said, and agreed; especially: "They see him and feel compelled to help; to be charitable. To be better versions of themselves in service". Frankly, I doubt I could do what you're doing, though I'd hope "caring for him day in and day out destroyed the selfish and materialistic child of a man that I was" would work for me, too - I've thought a lot about this question and the risk of having such a child scares the crap out of me, and the unknowables being what they'd be, I doubt I could go through with it, and I feel bad about that.