Birthday Advice

A few lessons from 46 trips around the sun...

I’m 46 years old today. Which is a very uneventful birthday. I’m not out of any imaginary grouping and into another. I’m not feeling materially older than I was yesterday. I’m not half way to anything. It’s a good age to write about though. When I was 26, I didn’t see people that were 46 as materially more intelligent or knowledgable than people who were my age at the time. And to some degree, that’s correct. I knew most of the axioms and life’s adages. And the general intelligence model that was me had been trained on enough data to get things mostly right. With the advantage of time and energy to pave over mistakes, 26, in my mind and at many things, was at least as useful as 46. And again, that’s probably still right.

The thing I didn’t have then though was enough observed data to eliminate noise. And to anchor down on some laws of nature that were at least true for people with similar experiences. There’s also a few things that you can’t really know until you get to the end. One can postulate about a life well-lived before living it. But it’s really worth reflecting on how close you got.

I’m not 86 though. I’m 46. So the model will have plenty of time to update and correct from here. I hope. But there’s a few things that I don’t think more data will change. And my birthday gift to myself was to write quietly for a few minutes before the mania of the day began and share them. So here goes:

If you’re the least successful/accomplished of your closest friends (mostly true of me)…this is amazingly good. If they are healthy friendships built on love and fellowship then they are secure ones. And through that security the success of friends does some amazing things. There is the obvious access that proximity to success provides. Related: to feel a bit like one is falling behind can create healthy motivation. Also, there are few better feelings than being proud of someone you love. But the thing that I’ve learned that is at the heart of my closest friendships is a deep loyalty that we hold towards the aspirational versions of our friends. And when they realize some versions of them, there’s a rare joy in it for us.

We’re not particularly good at dealing with grief. We know this but forget it when it’s time to grieve. Through the great grief bringing points in my life I’ve done mostly the wrong things. And it’s a regret. As I get older I have more opportunities to grieve. And they get easier, but I think I missed my opportunity to take grief seriously when it mattered most; during the real and more variable tragedies of a young man’s life. The outcome has been a sort of fear stored beneath the surface, like sunlight stored in coal, that bleeds out in unproductive energy. I don’t know exactly what I should have done differently. To grieve is a vague term. But it’s fair to say that to ignore it was wrong. And so my advice to you is to read a book. Talk to a friend. Find a Ted Talk…do something to prepare you to grieve.

Professionally, the old adage that you’re never as bad as your failures or as good as your successes is true. There’s tons of unearned luck on both sides included. But the thing that I have seen over and over and over again is that the people who accomplish the most over the long run are the ones who are most focused. You can have family and professional success. But it’s rare to have family professional success, a ton of hobbies, a side writing hustle and a half dozen vocational changes and make it to the top of the heap of whatever heap you want. However…having a variety of rich life experiences is pretty amazing. Perhaps more amazing than being the CEO of a company. But you have to be honest about what you really want. You can do anything and have wild success. But you can’t do everything and have wild success in everything. But it’s kind of a cool life to have wild success defined as to have done lots of things. You can’t go back in time though…so…do it on purpose. Or you’ll just end up with lots of regret and excuses.

That annoying thing that older parents tell you when your kids are young; that it goes by fast so enjoy it…is unfortunately true. That’s why you hear it so much. I’ve got late stage teenagers now. The time of parenting young kids is over for us. And it’s less that it goes by fast than it is that one day you just realize it’s over. There is no line of demarcation. One day you look up and all three of them are hanging out in their rooms and they don’t need you any more. Not the way they did once. And it’s rattling a bit.

Now…the lightning round:

Suspending your rationalist mentality to allow for the existence of God is helpful…and easier than you think.

I’ve yet to regret compassion.

Lots of things in life are free. Sometimes even lunch. Insisting they aren’t breeds more pessimism than motivation.

People would rather be good than bad. But there are instances where bad is easier. And those spots are good entry points for broader human effort.

The easiest thing to hang personal unhappiness on is your marriage. But that’s not often the right thing.

There’s a reason why so many prayers are forced/intentional gratitude. And that reason is that it works.

Guy Lombardo was right. It’s later than you think. So enjoy yourself…

That’s it. That’s the list at 46 that can be typed in 45 minutes before my family comes down to make me breakfast…